'Tis the season

I know it's not that season anymore.

But it has been a long season.  A long season of simply not putting pen to paper (or the hands to the keyboard) because the effort in cataloguing this journey seemed simply too tedious.  Well, this is still the case.  But after a week like this one, I can’t not remember.  And I can’t not share. And I can’t not try to explain this weepy mess sitting in front of my computer, in my empty classroom, with a heavy heart.  Avoiding alexithymia. 

The seasons are changing.  A lime green form sits on my desk with the words “Educator’s Intent to Return” glaring from the top right corner.  But sitting on my heart are two acceptance letters from grad schools in different states.  A changing wind for something…else. The details are not important here, just simply that the winds are changing.  For the first time, my restless heart isn’t actually restless for this change.  The Lord is stirring something beyond my own desires—the added items to my list of  “God, I’m never going to…” are being crossed off by a Creator of all things good. All things better. All things best.

I don’t know what the next year will hold. In fact, I don’t know how many more “nexts” I will be given. This week has been a reminder.

A student attempted to take his life last week.  On Monday, his older brother did the same.  The oldest brother was successful.  And I sit and I worry and the same questions go through my mind that did when a student took his life my first year of teaching. What should have been said? What if that was the last conversation we had? What if that was his last time in this room? His friends stop by my room to check on me before I can ask about them. It takes me too long to recognize the depth of understanding they have about the condition of broken hearts.  The broken pieces together make a more beautiful, stronger new picture. Perspective shift.

A class of freshman walk into my room.  My lively little monsters are bouncing off the walls and a girl sits quietly at her desk.  She is shaking uncontrollably as the tears roll down her face.  She is too scared to worry that others might notice. No one does. I pull her aside. Anonymous texts, voicemails, and names shouted at her as she walks through the halls.  Her biggest concern is not her own safety; she’s more concerned the single dad who raised her will worry too much when he finds out. So we sit, and we work out a plan so she’s never alone in the halls.  Safety and refuge. Isn’t that all we really need? 

A boisterous noise in the hallway interrupts my usual Friday routine of getting out of the building by 3pm. WHERE THE HECK IS HER ROOM NOW?!  He gets louder and louder and finally in walks a student I haven’t seen for two years.  Now a high school graduate, a fighter, a warrior who wasn’t going to let the foster system get him down. I can hardly conceal my smile as I joke, “you aren’t in jail!” Everything in me is fighting happy tears. We laugh as we remember the busted lip he tried to hide, the pranks he’d pull on foster homes, the week he was on the run but still managed show up to our 8^th period because what if he missed something in Of Mice and Men?

These are only small glimpses of a week filled with visits from students who have stolen my heart, tears shed and shared over losses, confusion and exhaustion in just trying to figure out where my feet are supposed to land next.

But maybe it’s not about where my feet are supposed to go. Maybe it’s about making sure my heart is invested where the Lord has placed them now. God’s voice is gentle in the everyday and I remember Esther’s call for “such a time as this.”

As Jim Elliott said, “Wherever you are, be all there.” And despite the ups and downs of how inaccurate my job description actually is, I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be right now than right here.

And really if my God is the same God yesterday, today, and tomorrow—what’s there left to worry about anyway?

::For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:: Ecclesiastes 3.1

::Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever:: Hebrews 13.8

Reflection reflection.

My first grad school assignment is to write a paper in which I chronicle my spiritual journey. Whatever cliche term is the opposite of "piece of cake" would be appropriate now.  I've been looking through old files, hoping I would have cataloged even a part of this journey better than my half scribbled journals.  And apparently I did.  Stumbled upon a short paper I wrote for Dr. Lunde's Jesus' Life and Ministry course at the close of my undergrad career.  A lot has changed in the past two years, but a lot of things are still struggles- things I need to lay at the cross daily.  But in looking back, I see He's held me the whole way here.  And He's not about to let go.  Risking vulnerability, I thought it was important to share.  Because I have a feeling that the struggles that weighed/are weighing heavy on my heart may weight heavy on yours.

At the close of my senior year, this semester has been one of the most difficult.  God has taught me tremendously over the course of my journey here at Biola.  It feels most appropriate that this pattern would continue into my last few months here.  I entered this semester with a lot of heaviness and responsibility on my heart.  I led a team of 32 to Utah over spring break—the preparation, disappointments, and joys of the trip were exhausting.  I also came into the semester with great expectations for what my life would look like by this point.  It goes without saying that those expectations have not exactly been met quite yet. I am caught up in all of these worries and anxieties.  I am not filled with peace or joy.

I really, honestly, and truly struggle with “being.”  I do not feel at rest with God.  I am not completely satisfied with Christ.  In planning for the Utah trip, my coleader and I selected 2 Corinthians 12:9 as our theme verse.  We selected this passage in hopes of creating team unity, allowing our team to be vulnerable with one another in weakness, and bringing our team together in grace.  Yet, as the semester wore on, I realized more and more that I was a liar and a hypocrite for asking my team to do something I myself struggle with so much.  My weaknesses often seem too much to bear—even for Him.  The theological implications of this are deep.  My view of God has been skewed if I do not believe that His grace is sufficient even to handle the most atrocious of my failures.  I am not able to sit quietly with the Spirit.  I constantly feel like I need to be “doing” to be in grace and in His presence. 

            In Matthew 11:28-30 I am reminded that Christ carries my burdens—always, regardless of what they are.  My reflections of the past semester demonstrate my failure to give Him everything.  It is hard for me to fathom that He desires that I seek rest in Him.  I still don’t know what it looks like to “find rest” in Him.  I find myself trying to look for something rather than resting in knowing that it has already been found.  My view of God is distorted if I do not fully believe that he is completely sufficient, that I can try to do, find, and seek but unless I come to a point where I know that Christ is tangibly everything, I will continue to run in circles.

My struggles are still written in present tense because I am continually struggling.  I, ironically, rest in the knowledge that the Lord cares for me deeply and that by His grace, I am working towards rest and peace in Him alone.  I know that because I am fallen, these are things that I will continually have to work at.  I know that I am experiencing growth in even the painful moments of realizing that I have tried to find this rest and joy in places that are not Him.  This semester has been a constant reminder to focus on Him through everything.  I am near tears writing this paper, looking through moments of desperation and finding that Christ met me in those moments, but I am so quick to forget. 

I have experienced grace, and I know that I have been fully redeemed by His blood.  My prayer now is to continually live my life restfully and joyfully in a way that reflects that this grace is alive in me—enabling me to relinquish every part of my life to a God who cares deeply and loves despite my weakness

::Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, or I am gently and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light:: Matthew 11.28-30

::But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me::2 Corinthians 12.9

I don't even have an excuse.

 Major blogging fail.  This is the first time I've even made an effort to even log in to blogspot since NOVEMBER.  True to form, I have simply forgotten this blog even existed.  So another quick game of catch up is probably in order. 

Since "Skansgiving":

Spent the first weekend of Christmas break in San Diego, standing by this gorgeous girl's side on her wedding day. 

Went back to the homeland. Caught up with the besties in Summit.  It was cold. And it was wonderful.

Sometimes I pretend not to miss this place, but then I take pictures like this and remember I'm a fool. I love Utah, but Colorado is hard to beat.

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The whole fambam was together for 6 whole hours, so we did normal holiday stuff. You know, like tebowed in our traditional Korean new year's dresses

Flew back to the ute on New Year's Day and went back to work on Monday.  I missed the kiddos, pathetic but true. Last week marked the halfway point.  Hard to believe I've survived the first half of the school year already. 

God's been doing major heart work over the past few months, though.  Perhaps my new years resolution (aside from NOT going to moon. so far I am rocking this resolution) is to be more consistent with this blog.  God's doing too much not to boast in His glory....expect another post soon.

::And you shall rejoice in all the good that the LORD your God has given to you and to your house:: Deuteronomy 26:11

Happy Skanksgiving

My precious nephew couldn't pronounce "Thanksgiving" a couple years ago.  I think it's funny enough to keep around for a few more years. 

My roommate and I drove in to Montana last night to spend the next few days with my mama.  On the drive up we braved icy roads, witnessed a few cars slip into snow banks, and misread snow-covered road signs as warnings for things like "upside down bears." Needless to say, it was an entertaining and treacherous 6 hours, but we are here.

Stole this picture from said rommate's instagram ;)

While distracting ourselves from the anxiety on the drive, we talked about the little things we are grateful for, for the the things that make us grateful every day.  Some of my faves:

 

Candles that smell better than the real thing they are supposed to smell like

The first time you run a knife through a smooth new jar of peanut butter

 

A perfect milk to cereal ratio at the end of the bowl

 

Foam soap. Honestly, who doesn't love this stuff??

 Waking up to a fresh blanket of white on the ground and on the tree branches.  I've grown up in the snow but I promise this will never get old.

The list goes on...and on..and on. We feared for our lives for a few hours so the distraction was more than welcomed.  It was a sweet time to reflect on the little things that go seemingly unnoticed throughout our days.

We are forever in the hands of a loving God. That in itself is more than enough reason to be thankful, but how nice of Him to pour out His blessings on us in the form of little things that make us smile every day.

::Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever::

Psalm 136:1

Superficial post.

Cuz I'm allowed.

Tonight this movie made me cry.

Burn baby burn.

It's ok. I saw you roll your eyes at the lame title.  And you're welcome for the awful disco anthem now stuck in your head.

But in all seriousness, it's about to get real for a minute.

Truth: I've been burned by the church. Badly.  I've stood at the edge with the intention of throwing away everything I've learned to be true because the truth tellers were hypocrites, liars, cheaters...and well, human. In a matter of months, it was a path of destruction and sin because if they were walking that way...I was walking the other.

My mom has confessed countless nights, crying and praying on her knees for God to change me.  While there is heartbreak for the grief I've caused, I'm more overtaken with the miracle that ensued in the years to follow.  I'll forever stand behind the power of an Almighty God because I've seen, felt, and witnessed the actual life change that happens when we give it all to Him--in this case, my mama's plea and dedication to pray for God to take over.  The past six years have been a series of prayers over my soul, of miracles done in my life, and of God ripping me out of the depths of darkness.

One major instrument in the rebuilding? He used people to LOVE me beyond my brokenness.  People who were willing to look past the fact that I "knew better." People who were going to live life with me despite the mistakes that had been made.  Because if we really  take a good hard look at our lives, when did our sin become less of a sin than the sin of any other person?

And so my heart breaks for those who have been burned by the church--by the Christians who claim to follow Christ but are clearly not walking in His steps of love and grace and mercy.  And the reality is that we've all been on either side of the system.  We hurt. I mean we all hurt.  We, as people, hurt.  And we hurt people.  But isn't it time that we act by the Love that saved us?  I'm not advocating a relationship that lets "everything slide," but I am advocating caring for those who are hurting, telling the Truth in love, praying for our brothers and sisters on a daily basis, helping to pick up the broken pieces...even when we know how they got there.  Because that's the Love that we've been given.  Love that became that tangible, that deep, that weighty...to save your soul. If that's not motivation, I'm not sure what is.

 

::For the love of Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and there all died.  And he died for all, that those who love should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again:: 
2 Corinthians 5:14-15

And the answers to the prayers I'm talking about?  The ones that showed me what it truly means to be loved and convicted apart from judgment and condemnation?  Wellllll, they look a lil something like this....

 

See? All you need is Love (you're welcome, again).

Reasons why I'm not complaining today.

In all honesty, the past couple weeks have rough. I mean tragedy, heartbreak, brokenness rough. It's hard to go through days like those and not just yearn for a place with no more sorrow, pain, or suffering. But fortunately for us, in the midst of all of the junk, we come face to face with a loving God who is willing and ready to take our burdens from us. All we need to do is surrender. Easier said than done....but I'm learning that it's ok to take small steps in letting go of the control that we pretend we have. And a small step is better than no step at all. So a step in my surrendering, acknowledging the goodness in the every day. Because the more that I realize that God has every.thing. under control the more I learn to appreciate how good He continues to be.

These are clearly not high quality pictures here, but I'm definitely ok with seeing this as I get to school every morning. I'm convinced that Salt Lake Valley is one of the most beautiful places I've been privileged to call home. New mercies. Snow capped mountains, beautiful city lights, a reminder that God is in control of everything even while we sleep.

Despite the fact that this pile continues to grow with papers to be graded over the weekend, I'm so grateful for my job. I'm grateful for incredible coworkers that are real people, who aren't afraid to talk about real life, and who force me to ditch my pile of work to go see terrible movies with them. I'm grateful for the 200 kids that make me laugh so hard I cry almost every day. I'm grateful for the kids that come in before and after school, during lunch, in between classes just to tell me they made the basketball team, that they got into their dream school, to tell me they missed me on their two week vacation in Florida (I still don't completely buy this one, but it made me smile anyway), just to say hi, or even just to know that they have some place safe to go, to sit and cry and laugh, and to remind me that, for this season and for right now, God has me exactly where He wants me.

Is this getting redundant yet? This is where the magic happens. Or really where sometimes I feel like each kid in each of these desks is actually teaching me something every day.

And obviously this. Anybody who knows me knows that this actually does have the ability to make any bad day much better.

And this album by The Workday Release that has been on repeat all week.

Here's to hoping and praying that the weeks get better...and knowing that if they don't we're still a part of a greater God's greater plan. Here's to knowing that ::Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change:: 
James 1:17

An unchanging, good, gracious, loving Father whose plans are better than mine. That's Hope I can rest in for the days to come.