My first grad school assignment is to write a paper in which I chronicle my spiritual journey. Whatever cliche term is the opposite of "piece of cake" would be appropriate now. I've been looking through old files, hoping I would have cataloged even a part of this journey better than my half scribbled journals. And apparently I did. Stumbled upon a short paper I wrote for Dr. Lunde's Jesus' Life and Ministry course at the close of my undergrad career. A lot has changed in the past two years, but a lot of things are still struggles- things I need to lay at the cross daily. But in looking back, I see He's held me the whole way here. And He's not about to let go. Risking vulnerability, I thought it was important to share. Because I have a feeling that the struggles that weighed/are weighing heavy on my heart may weight heavy on yours.
At the close of my senior year, this semester has been one of the most difficult. God has taught me tremendously over the course of my journey here at Biola. It feels most appropriate that this pattern would continue into my last few months here. I entered this semester with a lot of heaviness and responsibility on my heart. I led a team of 32 to Utah over spring break—the preparation, disappointments, and joys of the trip were exhausting. I also came into the semester with great expectations for what my life would look like by this point. It goes without saying that those expectations have not exactly been met quite yet. I am caught up in all of these worries and anxieties. I am not filled with peace or joy.
I really, honestly, and truly struggle with “being.” I do not feel at rest with God. I am not completely satisfied with Christ. In planning for the Utah trip, my coleader and I selected 2 Corinthians 12:9 as our theme verse. We selected this passage in hopes of creating team unity, allowing our team to be vulnerable with one another in weakness, and bringing our team together in grace. Yet, as the semester wore on, I realized more and more that I was a liar and a hypocrite for asking my team to do something I myself struggle with so much. My weaknesses often seem too much to bear—even for Him. The theological implications of this are deep. My view of God has been skewed if I do not believe that His grace is sufficient even to handle the most atrocious of my failures. I am not able to sit quietly with the Spirit. I constantly feel like I need to be “doing” to be in grace and in His presence.
In Matthew 11:28-30 I am reminded that Christ carries my burdens—always, regardless of what they are. My reflections of the past semester demonstrate my failure to give Him everything. It is hard for me to fathom that He desires that I seek rest in Him. I still don’t know what it looks like to “find rest” in Him. I find myself trying to look for something rather than resting in knowing that it has already been found. My view of God is distorted if I do not fully believe that he is completely sufficient, that I can try to do, find, and seek but unless I come to a point where I know that Christ is tangibly everything, I will continue to run in circles.
My struggles are still written in present tense because I am continually struggling. I, ironically, rest in the knowledge that the Lord cares for me deeply and that by His grace, I am working towards rest and peace in Him alone. I know that because I am fallen, these are things that I will continually have to work at. I know that I am experiencing growth in even the painful moments of realizing that I have tried to find this rest and joy in places that are not Him. This semester has been a constant reminder to focus on Him through everything. I am near tears writing this paper, looking through moments of desperation and finding that Christ met me in those moments, but I am so quick to forget.
I have experienced grace, and I know that I have been fully redeemed by His blood. My prayer now is to continually live my life restfully and joyfully in a way that reflects that this grace is alive in me—enabling me to relinquish every part of my life to a God who cares deeply and loves despite my weakness
::Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, or I am gently and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light:: Matthew 11.28-30
::But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me::2 Corinthians 12.9
